16 Steps to Getting Rid of Your Roommate:
By The Perfek Storm
Nothing tests one’s level of tolerance quite like a roommate.
Your roommate might be your best friend of the last decade. Or, your roommate could be your arch-nemesis – you being perfect and he or she being a Republican.
No matter what, at some point in your wretched co-existence, you will refer to your roommate as a “fucking piece of shit” when speaking to others. Don’t fret, he or she will refer to you in kind.
Male, female, hermaphrodite, pre-op transsexual – it doesn’t matter, you’re all a F. P.O.S. to your co-inhabitant. The key is actually earning and embracing that title.
Wear it like a badge of honor. Be as proud of your F.P.O.S. designation as you are of your fourth-place ribbon from the third grade science fair.
There’s nothing more American than making yourself happy at someone else’s expense. If you aren’t quite sure whether you’re living up to your end of the bargain as a F.P.O.S., I’m going to help ensure your status from here on in with a list of pointers and tried and true tactics.
Although there are winners and losers, being a F.P.O.S. isn’t a game. It’s a lifestyle. Live it to the fullest. And with that, here are 16 things to keep in mind when dealing with said roommate.
16. Eat and drink everything in the refrigerator. If it’s labeled with someone else’s name, say, “I thought it was like a Christmas tag – from you to my belly.”
15. Whenever they get excited about some profound subject they heard in class, quickly change the subject and start talking about your day – your trip to the bank, the ugly chick with the hot body that you stood behind at the student union – that sort of thing.
14. If you’re clearly stronger than your roommate, always start roughhousing when there are people around. Nothing spells F.P.O.S. better than physical domination in front of a crowd.
13. Talk throughout their favorite television program. Point out all the plot flaws and constantly ask, “What kind of idiot likes this shit?”
12. Anytime they have friends visiting from their hometown, act like the friends are a huge inconvenience to your time and space. Mumble under your breath anytime one of them speaks.
11. Don’t thank your roommate for anything. Act like every nice thing he or she does is owed to you.
10. If they’re studying for a test or writing a paper, have people over. When they complain, tell them to go to the library…especially if the temperature is sub-zero and they don’t have a car.
9. Constantly talk about how good of an athlete you were in high school. Spend at least 20 minutes a day regaling your roommate with tales of your supposed athletic prowess.
8. Sell their psychology book for lunch money.
7. Be intolerant of any and all their beliefs.
6. Anytime you’re talking with a group of people, turn silent when your roommate walks up. It’ll make him or her insecure and very self-conscious.
5. Wake them up every morning by yelling in their face or blasting the stereo.
4. If you clog the toilet, let it be and leave for a few hours. If possible, return really drunk and go right to bed.
3. Make their parents uncomfortable when they visit by always laying on the couch eating cereal – no matter what time of day – in nothing but your underwear. Say “fuck” a lot, too.
2. When they share a deep secret with you, act like you care. The next day, use that information to create a nickname for them.
1. Be yourself.
Send hate mail, naked pictures and your roommate’s Social Security number to theperfekstorm@gmail.com.
